are you a revenger or a tragedy?

I feel frustrated about how women feel they have to portray themselves.

Recently I read all the responses to a ‘get to know me’ questionnaire for a play. The cast was probably 90% female, and all the answers were so self-depreciating. Are you a revenger or a tragedy? Everyone said tragedy.

It's not just in drama. Far too often do I hear women in all fields describe themselves as being a constant ‘hot mess’. We make our work seem not important, and emphasise how our lives are terrible and never perfect. What does this say about us, to let all these amazing and talented people think that about themselves? These are our friends and sisters and girlfriends and WHATEVER – just people! The way that women are conditioned to never think THAT highly of themselves in terms of their talents and abilities, it’s just so depressing and frustrating to me.

This extends further than ‘talents’ in the sense of academic knowledge or tangible skills, but it’s also about how we see ourselves as competent, caring, connected people. Joking about how we can never hold down a relationship or that we can never make the right decisions for ourselves. Sure, it’s funny, self-depreciating humour. I am definitely a card carrying member; “I can never remember where my keys are – you’d never think that I’m doing my masters degree!” But it’s these constant small depreciations of ourselves which we actually think have an ounce of truth that burrow into our confidence. Of course we all make mistakes, but in digging them up to make ourselves seem more ‘human’ we hurt ourselves more in the process.

I’m not going to go on a spiel here about how we need to be kind to ourselves (although we do) but I think this kind of constant self-depreciation as a feminine trait is a failure on our behalf in terms of valuing women (and femininity) as a powerful and valid part of the human social experience. We worry about coming across as up-ourselves, or a bitch, or self-centred. We put ourselves down to seem humble. But we all need to stand up to that. We’re all busy people, and stuff slips through the cracks or you slip up. Every woman I know is also extremely intelligent, caring and accomplished in their own way.

We need to say “fuck yeah I mess up, but I’m also 100% awesome”. Don’t let anyone forget their successes. We need to fight the self-administered doubt about our accomplishments and realise how yeah, we’re human, and we make mistakes. Nobody is a ‘hot mess’, and we all have the propensity to embody the revenger. And that’s something we should feel proud to associate with the feminine – we can be badass and wear pink. And nobody is a bitch for doing that.