Moving, Leaving, Getting out of here
I have been stuck between a rock and a graveyard of draft blog posts recently, and I found this skeleton which I wrote over a year ago about my then imminent departure to Japan. Reading it, it's interesting to see my feelings of excitement, frustration, trying to figure out what the hell is happening. It's a great jumping-off point for reflection. Also, it's just interesting:
"Really not entirely sure what this blog is about anymore. I guess it's for my own self reflection and proclamation of my views. And so I will proclaim and reflect on my decision to move to Japan at the beginning of August 2018 on the JET programme, and my experiences with that decision thus far.
So I'm pretty much 100% going to be moving to Japan, thanks to my acceptance into the JET programme as of last Friday, but this decision has affected me for almost a year since I first decided to apply.
Firstly, this decision has profoundly affected my life path and helped me realise what I am capable of since I made it in February of 2017. These were small-ish things like I fast tracked a trip to Japan proving I CAN save large sums of money fast if I need to, actually sticking to a Japanese learning and revision regime, and keeping acquiring new personal items to a minimum to avoid having to get rid of them at some point (which, if you know me in any respect, is goddamn hard because I LOVE clothes).
But this decision also affected larger things in my life. It made me seriously think about the direction of my previous long-term relationship, whether it was helping me or not, and not just thinking about how I felt, but my own plan in life. It made me think about what I wanted for myself in the future, post-Japan. How will I become a university professor; when and where will I do my PhD? It pushed me to improve my relationships with my friends and family, and become closer to them, knowing that distance does not always make the heart grow fonder and I have to cherish what I have now.
Moving countries can really kick your butt into gear, and I'm not even leaving for 4 months.
There's so many things that I've realised I want to do before leaving. Firstly, I want to travel New Zealand just a little bit more..."
It's strange, because I am feeling these feelings still. I don't know what this blog is about, apart from me just being pissed off at various strange Japanese cultural phenomenon that one only experiences by living here.
I have realised I am capable of functioning in a country where I don't speak the language, the culture is completely different to my own, and where I am constantly some combination of homesick/cold/lonely.
Me living here away from people I love made me think about my previous relationships, and made me now more than ever know what I want for my future.
I've become so much closer with some friends back home by being here (thanks for always being willing to call, you know who you are).
Things are same, but also different.
But, none of this was entirely conscious. I did not kick my butt into gear to think about a lot of these things, to come to reflect on them. I did not do some conscious mind bending to come to where I am at now, as I did over a year ago in relation to Japan. I maintain still that myself now is a result of basically smashing my existence to pieces by coming to Japan and having to build something out of them to survive for the year. And I survived, and existed, and perhaps am better for it? Which, is strange, seeing as I have experienced some pretty intense mental health episodes at points during my life. Not once have I had a panic attack here, I haven't spoken to one therapist (yet). That's not to say things were or are super swell; my mother when she came in March remarked that I just seemed sad and stressed. Which I completely was. I'm still sad and stressed to an extent, but it's getting warmer and I'm coming home in 2 months which makes it all a lot easier to deal with.
But right now, in this space, where I am sitting in the staffroom of a Japanese junior high school in the middle of the countryside, am I glad I came? What do I think of that excited person over one year ago who started this blog post?
I am not sure if glad is the right word, but I don't regret coming here. I have definitely learnt things about myself that I had never fully faced up to in the comfort of my life in New Zealand. I think perhaps I have a more solid idea of my limits. Also I did learn conversational Japanese which is pretty cool. I guess that saying is true, that you don't grow in your comfort zone. That person who started this blog post over a year ago however, I see as being perhaps naiive. But, I know what happened. I have hindsight on what was going on then, what I was presenting both to the world and to myself, and how that may have not been... well, true. How I see myself before, during, and after Japan will change though, and its importance in my life will most likely wane as I get older.
The reflections will continue. How I perceive Japan as time passes will change. I think that is something that I have come to appreciate being here; time. How itself can be perceived, and how it affects the perceptions of other things. There will definitely be another time-related reflection on Japan at some point after returning to New Zealand. Perhaps I will come back to read this post to write said reflection. If that is the case, hey Emily from the future. I hope you're OK and that you survived. Tell me, how do you feel about your experiences in Japan now?
Oh, and I did manage to travel New Zealand a bit more before I left. But I want to do so much more. See, I addressed every point in that old blog post ayee.
"Really not entirely sure what this blog is about anymore. I guess it's for my own self reflection and proclamation of my views. And so I will proclaim and reflect on my decision to move to Japan at the beginning of August 2018 on the JET programme, and my experiences with that decision thus far.
So I'm pretty much 100% going to be moving to Japan, thanks to my acceptance into the JET programme as of last Friday, but this decision has affected me for almost a year since I first decided to apply.
Firstly, this decision has profoundly affected my life path and helped me realise what I am capable of since I made it in February of 2017. These were small-ish things like I fast tracked a trip to Japan proving I CAN save large sums of money fast if I need to, actually sticking to a Japanese learning and revision regime, and keeping acquiring new personal items to a minimum to avoid having to get rid of them at some point (which, if you know me in any respect, is goddamn hard because I LOVE clothes).
 |
| Me actually on the day I wrote this. Look, I had green in my hair. So deep in thought about Japan. |
But this decision also affected larger things in my life. It made me seriously think about the direction of my previous long-term relationship, whether it was helping me or not, and not just thinking about how I felt, but my own plan in life. It made me think about what I wanted for myself in the future, post-Japan. How will I become a university professor; when and where will I do my PhD? It pushed me to improve my relationships with my friends and family, and become closer to them, knowing that distance does not always make the heart grow fonder and I have to cherish what I have now.
Moving countries can really kick your butt into gear, and I'm not even leaving for 4 months.
There's so many things that I've realised I want to do before leaving. Firstly, I want to travel New Zealand just a little bit more..."
It's strange, because I am feeling these feelings still. I don't know what this blog is about, apart from me just being pissed off at various strange Japanese cultural phenomenon that one only experiences by living here.
I have realised I am capable of functioning in a country where I don't speak the language, the culture is completely different to my own, and where I am constantly some combination of homesick/cold/lonely.
Me living here away from people I love made me think about my previous relationships, and made me now more than ever know what I want for my future.
I've become so much closer with some friends back home by being here (thanks for always being willing to call, you know who you are).
Things are same, but also different.
But, none of this was entirely conscious. I did not kick my butt into gear to think about a lot of these things, to come to reflect on them. I did not do some conscious mind bending to come to where I am at now, as I did over a year ago in relation to Japan. I maintain still that myself now is a result of basically smashing my existence to pieces by coming to Japan and having to build something out of them to survive for the year. And I survived, and existed, and perhaps am better for it? Which, is strange, seeing as I have experienced some pretty intense mental health episodes at points during my life. Not once have I had a panic attack here, I haven't spoken to one therapist (yet). That's not to say things were or are super swell; my mother when she came in March remarked that I just seemed sad and stressed. Which I completely was. I'm still sad and stressed to an extent, but it's getting warmer and I'm coming home in 2 months which makes it all a lot easier to deal with.
But right now, in this space, where I am sitting in the staffroom of a Japanese junior high school in the middle of the countryside, am I glad I came? What do I think of that excited person over one year ago who started this blog post?
I am not sure if glad is the right word, but I don't regret coming here. I have definitely learnt things about myself that I had never fully faced up to in the comfort of my life in New Zealand. I think perhaps I have a more solid idea of my limits. Also I did learn conversational Japanese which is pretty cool. I guess that saying is true, that you don't grow in your comfort zone. That person who started this blog post over a year ago however, I see as being perhaps naiive. But, I know what happened. I have hindsight on what was going on then, what I was presenting both to the world and to myself, and how that may have not been... well, true. How I see myself before, during, and after Japan will change though, and its importance in my life will most likely wane as I get older.
The reflections will continue. How I perceive Japan as time passes will change. I think that is something that I have come to appreciate being here; time. How itself can be perceived, and how it affects the perceptions of other things. There will definitely be another time-related reflection on Japan at some point after returning to New Zealand. Perhaps I will come back to read this post to write said reflection. If that is the case, hey Emily from the future. I hope you're OK and that you survived. Tell me, how do you feel about your experiences in Japan now?
Oh, and I did manage to travel New Zealand a bit more before I left. But I want to do so much more. See, I addressed every point in that old blog post ayee.
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