One year later

I have been thinking about my life recently. Well, I always think about my life, but indulging in that deeper 'what is my life' reflective thinking, in a similar way to how I used to think about my time and experiences in Japan.

I've been back in Aotearoa for over a year now. I've now lived out of Auckland for over 2 years, and have been in Wellington for over 1. I have moved and changed in my life in such a profound way that pre-Japan, I would have never imagined. I’m in a good place, good job, good health, amazing friends, and what seems to be a burgeoning successful relationship. A few of my blog posts I talked about becoming Emily 2.0, 'a whole new bug'. How Japan shattered my conceptualisation of myself, shook things up, and made me reconsider my life to rebuild it. And damn, have I rebuilt it. 

I left for Japan disillusioned with my life in Auckland. I had finished university and wasn't entirely sure what to do. I had ended my most serious relationship a few months prior and was in a very weird rebound relationship which was due to end as soon as I left for overseas. Auckland was so same; I wanted to outdo myself, to do something completely different. I wanted to change my life. 

And it was hard. I certainly shook things up and broke myself in a way I did not think I would do. The last 2 and a bit years of my life have been a large re-evaluation of my life, what I want, who I am. Self work and self discovery takes a lot of effort. Change takes a lot of effort. I have come to reflect that I removed myself from my social supports and what I'm used to not once but twice. Moving to Wellington as opposed to moving back to Auckland when I came back from Japan took a lot of determination to not just 'go back' to what I knew. I haven't been doing life on easy mode for sure, and I think I should give myself more credit for that.

I didn't 'go back' to what I knew in a lot of areas of my life. I pushed myself hard to move up and forward and pursue a career in government which has been extremely rewarding. I found what I enjoyed and now have a better idea as to what I want to do with my life and the direction it is moving in professionally. I am a capable adult who has something to contribute, actually using my degree and learning new skills.

I also didn't, and haven't gone back to old patterns romantically. That's not to mean that my love life has been excellent, because especially during my time in Wellington it certainly hasn't been all peaches. But learning how to evaluate whether something is right and is cutting it is something I’ve come to see as necessary and, well, good. If it's not what I want or not cutting it, I haven’t settled for less than what I need in my life going forward, which is a skill that I lacked pre-Japan. I would hang onto things unnecessarily, play saviour, or just be lazy to end something because that's just what I knew. But I now know what I want in my love life and I pursue it; from processing previous relationships, knowing my life direction, where I see my future. Knowing myself.

And that's it right, knowing yourself. Deeply examining yourself, who you are, your motivations and desires. It is so easy to follow patterns that are pre-determined societally, or that you yourself have created. And it's not to say you shouldn't follow those patterns for the sake of rebellion and difference, but to know yourself well enough that you can feel confident in your choices whether they follow the status-quo or not. On the many empty nights after work in Japan I used to spend a lot of time with my thoughts, thinking about what I wanted for my life when I returned to Aotearoa, what was laid bare as being important to me through having everything ripped out from around me by moving to Japan. I also spent the first 6 months of my time in Wellington going over topics of my life I knew were important and fleshing out my reasoning for my values, and the goals that related to them. 

I achieved my goals for this year though, despite COVID. That's not to say that 'I did it, so you should have been able to too' because there certainly was an element of luck in there. But despite COVID I took opportunities, and did not give up on the intentions I set for this year. The intentions I set for myself when I came back. I am determined to not just follow life patterns blindly.

Anyway, happy holz or something. I didn’t want to do a massive reflection on COVID because I know we’re all going through that. But despite the trials and tribulations of this year, I’ve come out pretty good and I am openly proud of that. Thanks for listening to my self indulgence. 

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